Taken by surprise

Let me start with a small introduction describing how this all began.

If someone were to tell me half a year ago that I would be going deep down this path of slavery again as I feel I am now going, I would have told them with a certain confidence that they were wrong. Not that I haven’t always been drawn to it in some way or another. I have had some D/s relationships and experiences in the past, but the last one was some ten years ago. After that relationship I concluded for myself that although there are intensely exciting aspects to full-time slavery, it also causes a lot of frustrations limiting how real or sustainable it can be in the long run. I thought that maybe I am just not able and/or willing to give myself completely, having too much a will of my own. Besides, my deep desires for slavery and submission clashed with my desire to be and be seen as a strong, independent man. I thought that maybe I should consider myself more a sub, seeking out occasional encounters to live out my specific kinks and desires.

But then I met my Master online at the end of August. We started chatting and I think He sort of “took me”; quickly putting me in a certain slave mindset even though we never discussed whether that was what I was looking for at that point. At first I think I played along a bit, of course also telling Him I was still discovering what I wanted, but I found my own feelings of submission very quickly becoming deeper and more serious. The suddenness, speed, depth and intensity of these feelings have taken me somewhat by surprise. It felt like a part of me that I thought I had closed off was still there in full force and moreover, that I felt that there are all kinds of new and unexplored dimensions to it that I hadn’t previously encountered or considered. It did mean that I had some soul searching to do, decide whether I really wanted this because to really make it work it would require a big commitment. Would I be able to give Him what He would require? Would this be sustainable? Through our discussions but also through His actions and the conscious pace at which He builds it up I felt that He was also not in it just for a short-term pleasure, that He is maybe even more interested in the process of facilitating the further realization of my slave potential than in how horny that process of course also makes Him. But maybe most importantly, I noticed that I felt a certain sense of pride and a strong motivation about allowing myself those feelings, not dissimilar to the feelings I had when I was coming out of the closet as a gay man.

So here I find myself again discovering what slavery really means for me, seeing it slowly but surely deepen, letting that happen with full conviction, letting it become an intrinsic part of my life, and feeling anxious to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.